


i know the stars are holding him, tonight

by ADreamingSongbird



Series: gone away is the blue bird, here to stay is a new bird [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Trans Okumura Eiji, contains mentions of ash lynx
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:14:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21785791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamingSongbird/pseuds/ADreamingSongbird
Summary: Okumura Nahoko goes to Tokyo with her friends to experience Christmas in the big city. But her big brother’s grief lingers in the air, and she can’t help but wonder… who was this Ash person, anyway?
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji (background), Okumura Eiji & Okumura Eiji's Sister
Series: gone away is the blue bird, here to stay is a new bird [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576378
Comments: 18
Kudos: 264





	i know the stars are holding him, tonight

**Author's Note:**

> everyone thinks ash is dead for the duration of this fic. he's fine, don't worry, but no one knows that yet. if eiji being v sad makes you wary, be careful of this!!

It’s 15:23. Nahoko checks over herself in the mirror one last time—cute rose beanie, check, big fluffy white coat, check, festive patterned pink-and-green tights, check—and stuffs her phone into her purse. If she leaves now, she’ll be right on time to meet her friends at their hotel, and they can all get to the Christmas market as planned by 17:00!

Satisfied with her appearance, she twirls in front of the mirror, slings her purse over her shoulder, and skips out to the living room. Eiji is in the kitchen, stirring what must be another cup of tea; he’s worse than their mother, she swears.

“Okay! I’m heading out!”

Eiji doesn’t turn around, which is the first warning sign.

“Okay,” he says softly. Something in his voice is… off. “I hope you and your friends have fun. Please tell them hello from me.”

Nahoko pauses, one boot in hand. He’s still in his pajamas, too. She doesn’t think it’s weird to hang out in pajamas all day, but Eiji always changes as soon as he gets up. Weird.

“Are you… okay?”

Eiji still doesn’t turn to look at her, though he stops stirring his tea. The clink of the spoon inside the cup was quiet, but the silence is loud. “Yes, I am fine. Why?”

Hesitating awkwardly, Nahoko puts her boot back down and stands up straight, crossing her arms. “You’re acting weird.”

“I just did not sleep that well last night. It is nothing to worry about.”

Ugh, he’s being _weird_ weird. Nahoko bites her lip and blows out her cheeks, trying not to pout as she stares at his back. Eiji’s always been weird, but this is the kind of weird that’s only really started jumping out since he came back from America, last spring, and…

Two days ago, Kaa-san tucked her hair back from her face and kissed her forehead, holding her hands warmly at the train station back in Izumo. “Be careful,” she said. “Travel together with your friends only, if you are not with Eiji. Christmas time is crowded, and—”

“Kaa-san,” Nahoko whined. All of her friends were already waiting on her! And they were definitely watching her mother fuss over her. “I know! Eiji’s meeting me at the station, it’ll be _fine!_ Stop worrying!”

“Okay, okay.” Kaa-san laughed, kissing her cheek, but her smile faded into worry again. “And take care of your brother. Make sure he eats. I think he has been overworking himself, and he is still sad, so be gentle with him, Nahoko. And if—”

 _“Okaa-san!”_ Nahoko almost rolled her eyes. She knew Eiji could take care of himself! He’s the big brother. He didn’t need her to take care of him. “We’ll be late! I have to go!”

“Okay, go!” Kaa-san smushed one more kiss to her cheek and let go of her hands. “Have fun. Call me when you reach Tokyo, okay? I want to know when you and Eiji get home to his apartment.”

“Yes, Kaa-san,” Nahoko said obediently. And then she ran back to her friends, laughing her mother off.

But…

But Eiji’s being weird, and now her mother’s words are rolling around uncomfortably in her head. Take care of him? He’s twenty-two. He doesn’t need her to take care of him! He’s the one who’s been taking care of her for her whole life, it’s just _weird_ if she has to start doing it back! How does she even…

“You will be late, Nahoko,” Eiji cautions. His voice is oddly thick, like he’s trying not to cry. “Do not miss the train.”

“You’re acting _super_ weird,” Nahoko mutters. She leaves the door and marches to the kitchen, pushes her way past him, and narrows her eyes in suspicion as he turns to keep his back to her, one hand raised as if to cover his face. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing is wrong!” Eiji’s shoulders hunch. The tea steams on the countertop in front of him. “I am fine. Please go enjoy your time with your friends. Do not worry.”

Nahoko squints at him, stares at the back of his shoulder, and then gasps audibly when she realizes he’s trembling. “Nii-san! What the fuck—”

“Language,” Eiji says sharply.

Nahoko smacks his back. “I’m sixteen! And anyway, you say ‘fuck’ all the time!”

Eiji whips around. “Not to you! How did you know that?”

Nahoko has to swallow another gasp at the look on his face. There are deep, purple bags under his eyes, and his eyes are glassy with unshed tears, and his brows are knitted together so tightly that she almost wonders if he’s trying to make a scarf.

“When you were on the phone last night,” she says, a little sheepish. “You… were loud enough I could hear you from the bedroom.”

She doesn’t know who he was talking to, but it’s kind of easy to guess that if he was calling someone American on Christmas Eve after being sad after returning to Japan, he has some kind of romantic entanglement across the Pacific. There were too many names said on the call for her to know who— _Sing, Alex, Bones, Kong, Max, Jessica,_ and also her personal favorite, _Fucking Ash._

Eiji only said _Fucking Ash_ once, but he also said _that motherfucker_ a couple of times, and she likes to think that Ash is the motherfucker, too.

“You eavesdropped?!” Eiji stiffens. “Nahoko—”

“Not on purpose!” Nahoko objects. “You were just loud enough I could hear you! I didn’t try to!”

“You could have put in your earbuds.” Eiji’s sad eyes fill with reproach. “Or you could have told me. Some things I like to keep private, Nahoko.”

“You keep _everything_ about America private!” Nahoko smacks his arm, this time. “If I want to know anything, I have to listen while you say ‘fuck’ on the phone—”

“Do _not_ repeat that word—”

“You are not the only person in my life who can say ‘fuck’, Eiji, I have friends, and we are all old enough, so fuck that—”

_“Nahoko!”_

They stare at each other for a moment, Eiji with a dark, reproachful look, and Nahoko staring back defiantly, but then she can’t help herself. A giggle slips out, and then they’re both laughing, Nahoko bright and bold and Eiji soft and still a bit sad.

“What a stupid thing to fight about on Christmas,” Eiji says, wiping at his eyes. This time when he looks at her, he smiles warmly, like he did when she was little and cried about her scraped knees. “Go, Nahoko. Have fun with your friends.”

Nahoko heaves a deep, weary sigh.

“You keep dodging my questions,” she says, and reaches up to tug on his hair, not too hard but enough to show that she’s grumpy. “You are clearly sad today. Was it about… Alex?”

Eiji’s smile fades. “Nahoko.”

“Or Sing?” Nahoko wonders. “Which of them was it? You are sad about someone American.”

“Nahoko,” Eiji warns. “Please.”

Nahoko grins slyly. “Let me guess. It was Fucking Ash.”

Eiji does not laugh like she expects. He doesn’t even smile. Instead, his face is like thunder.

 _Oh no,_ Nahoko has the time to think, and then—

Eiji covers his mouth with his hand again, and the tears in his eyes spill over. With his other hand he points at the door. “Go. Go, meet your friends, go to—go to the market and—just go out, Nahoko, _please.”_

Oh no. She’s ruined everything.

“Nii-san,” she starts tentatively, and then stops, because she doesn’t know where to go. “Um… I’m sorry. Are—well, no, you aren’t okay, um…”

“I’m fine,” Eiji insists, scrubbing his eyes. They’re red and sore and _sad,_ and the raw intensity of the sorrow she sees there almost frightens her. Eiji is supposed to be the strong one. “You should not worry. You’ll be late if you don’t leave now.”

Nahoko frowns. “You are _crying_. That’s the exact definition of not fine.”

Her friends can handle her being a little late, anyway. Maybe she can just meet them at the market itself, instead of going to their hotel first. That way the plans won’t get disrupted.

“Don’t worry about me.” Eiji shakes his head and turns back to his tea, cradling the mug to his chest in both hands as if he’s trying to absorb its warmth into his body. “I’m used to this, Nahoko. It will be fine.”

“You didn’t say it _is_ fine that time.” Nahoko folds her arms over her chest. “Will be fine means it’s not fine right now. Do you, uh… do you want to talk about it?”

Is that the right thing to ask? She’s never had to take care of Eiji before. Kaa-san was right, though, he is still sad, and he looks exhausted. How hard can it be?

But Eiji shakes his head. “There is nothing to talk about.”

“Who is Ash?” Nahoko persists.

It’s the wrong question. Eiji looks down into his tea, another tear slipping down his cheek, and sighs a deep, shaky sigh. “No one.”

“But you’re sad about her,” Nahoko presses, because now that she’s made this blunder she has to see it through. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have been complaining on the phone last night. Was she your girlfriend in America?”

Eiji’s shoulders slump, and panic stabs through her at how utterly defeated and forlorn he looks. “Ash… is _gone,_ Nahoko. Please drop it.”

Gone?

A chill runs down her spine. He doesn’t mean _dead,_ does he?

But she can’t ignore such a plaintive direct request from her brother, so she bites her lip to hold the questions back and nods, looking away. “Okay. …Sorry.”

Eiji sighs shortly and takes a sip of tea. It’s still steaming—he’s just like Tou-san was, drinking his tea stupidly hot. She swears she’ll never understand. “It’s fine,” he says, and Nahoko almost objects because clearly nothing here is fine, but he just shakes his head before she can. “Thank you.”

Nahoko shuffles awkwardly from foot to foot. Part of her wants to run out the door now, to catch her train before it’s too late, but part of her knows she’ll kick herself every step of the way if she leaves Eiji now.

It’s the part of her that’s growing up, she knows. It’s uncomfortable. The Nahoko of three years ago would never have hesitated to run off with her friends and leave Eiji to handle his own problems. But ever since he went to America and she spent two years with no news, Nahoko has become uncomfortably aware of his humanity, his mortality.

Her brother is a normal person just like her. He has his ups and downs, his insecurities, and his bad days, too.

It shakes the image she’s had of him her whole life down to the foundations. Before, she never would’ve thought Eiji could be anything but unflappable and strong and caring, always there for her even when Kaa-san was having troubles with Tou-san or when Tou-san went to the hospital and never came home. She just—Eiji has—they’ve never done this before. Eiji has always been her rock.

“Nahoko,” Eiji says softly. He doesn’t look like a rock, now—he looks like he needs a rock—as he sips his tea again. “If you stay any longer, you’ll be late.”

“Yeah,” Nahoko mumbles.

She came up to Tokyo with her friends to spend the Emperor’s birthday holiday and weekend with them, seeing the sights, and is staying with Eiji because he’s here too, for university, and it would be weird to come to Tokyo for almost a week and _not_ see him. But she mostly came to spend time with her friends.

Which makes what she’s about to do kind of stupid, but…

But Eiji’s been her rock her whole life, so she figures she can return the favor at least today.

“You look like shit,” she tells him, taking his arm and steering him from the kitchen to his bedroom, where he’s been letting her sleep while he takes the couch. “C’mon.”

“Thanks,” Eiji says flatly, but he lets her guide him to the bed. “It must be that sibling resemblance everyone always tells us about. …What are you doing?”

Ignoring him, Nahoko pulls her phone out of her purse, fires off a quick apologetic text to the group chat, and strips out of her fluffy coat, dumping it and the purse on the floor. “What’s it look like? Drink your tea.”

“It looks like you are… not going out,” Eiji says, nonplussed. “What are you doing?”

“Not going out, stupid.” Nahoko pushes his shoulders until he sits down on the bedside and plops down next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder like she’s always done. “Drink your tea.”

“Why are you not going out?” Eiji sips his tea obediently, which is almost hilarious. He looks so bewildered that she almost laughs. Why does he have no idea how to respond to someone clearly trying to take care of him? Idiot.

“Because,” Nahoko explains, like she’s talking to a three-year-old, “my big brother is not feeling well, and I’m staying home to help him out.”

Eiji gapes and then jerks away from her, indignant. Nahoko squawks as she topples over onto the bed. “No! I am not making you skip this trip with your friends. You have been talking about it for weeks!”

Nahoko sits up, puffs her cheeks out, and flaps her hands at him dismissively. “I hung out with them yesterday! And I’ll see them all the time on the train home. What’s one more Christmas market?”

“I am fine, Nahoko!” Eiji shakes his head. “Go have fun with your friends.”

“Not if you’re just going to mope all day.” Nahoko huffs. “It’s _Christmas,_ Nii-san. Sure, you’re single, but so are the rest of us! Can’t you have some cheer?”

Eiji gives her a look that can be only described as _withering._

“See?” Nahoko leans over and punches his arm. “That’s what I mean! No festive cheer in you at all! That’s why I have to stay. Stupid!”

“You’re planning to cheer me up by calling me names?”

“Yes!” Nahoko punches his shoulder again. “You are trying not to smile right now. Don’t pretend, I see you, yes I do! I see you!”

“Stop!” Eiji protests, but he raises his teacup to his mouth, which means he’s hiding and she’s won. “Nahoko!”

“Besides!” Nahoko shrugs and swings her legs. “I already told them you aren’t well. If I go out now, it’d make me look like I don’t care about you, and then they’d never let me hear the end of it.”

Eiji rolls his eyes. “I doubt they would give you problems over it.”

“Believe me,” she sighs. “They will. They have bad taste, but what can I do about it?”

Eiji gives her a quizzical look. “Bad taste…?”

Oh, Eiji. How he’s remained oblivious to this day that at least three of her friends have been crushing on him since they were twelve, Nahoko will never know.

“Anyway,” she says, because bad taste or not, girl code is still girl code, and she promised never to tell, “you’re stuck with me for today, now. So first order of business is you’re gonna finish your tea, and then you’re taking a nap, ugly.”

“Stuck with you, huh. What a long day I have ahead of me,” Eiji mutters.

He’s lucky that he has good reflexes, because otherwise, when Nahoko kicks him, his tea would spill all over his bed, and it would be all his fault.

* * *

It’s a mark that Eiji really is exhausted that he falls asleep only ten minutes into Nahoko sitting on him to keep him in bed.

He’s ridiculous. Has she mentioned that? Because her big brother is absolutely ridiculous.

Tiptoeing out of his bedroom, she closes the door and frowns at the living room. Theoretically, she could nap, too, but unlike _some people,_ she slept decently last night and wasn’t up late on the phone with any Americans, so she’s not actually tired.

She _could_ skip out and still make it to the Christmas market.

…But the thought makes guilt twist uncomfortably in her stomach, and she bites her lip, looking at the closed bedroom door. No, no, she’s already committed to spending today taking care of Eiji. She can’t back out now.

(Taking care of Eiji? As if! How in the world is she supposed to take care of someone who refuses to admit he even needs it?)

It would be easy to hide from it, and knowing how easy it is makes it all the more tempting. If she just shies away and acts like she always has, like Eiji’s unflappable and strong and always knows what to do, he’ll play along. He’ll put on his brave face and ruffle her hair and tell her of _course_ everything’s fine, and she can run from this uncertain, unfamiliar territory.

Except that something in her won’t let her, and she doesn’t like it. It feels uncomfortably like _responsibility._

Sighing, Nahoko flops onto the couch as dramatically as she can, and regrets it immediately as the entire thing lurches backwards. Adrenaline jolts through her as she clutches onto the back like a spooked cat, hissing _“Shit!”_ under her breath, but luckily it doesn’t fall over, falling back down onto all four legs again.

God, why does Eiji have to have such a shitty lightweight couch? Like how he only has three sets of chopsticks and two plates in his entire apartment! And only one bowl and two mugs! And his kitchen table is flimsy and a bit wobbly, too—it’s like he doesn’t even care about the quality of his life here. Maybe she should get Kaa-san on his case for having such terrible home furnishings.

Seriously. She frowns at the blank living room walls. He’s a photography student! Why doesn’t he even have _photographs_ up?

She could just run down the street to the Daiso she saw on the way in. They definitely have home décor, even if it’s kind of cheap. Especially if it’s cheap! It’ll fit right in with Eiji’s bullshit!

…Except that her purse is still in Eiji’s bedroom, and she knows if she goes in there he’ll wake up, because he’s rude and conspires to ruin her plans even in his sleep.

Foiled again, Nahoko sighs and rolls over to lay face down on the couch, pulling Eiji’s blanket over her legs. It’s not that bad of a couch, for how lightweight and untrustworthy as it is. It’s kind of comfortable. She’ll give it that.

So… if she can’t decorate Eiji’s apartment for him while he sleeps, what _can_ she do?

He’s sad about America all the time. He misses people he met there; he’s always texting them, and last night he was on the phone even after she fell asleep. Maybe…

Nahoko pulls her phone out again. Oh—the entire group chat, all five of them, have written to console her and to tell Eiji to feel better soon. She looks at the seven hearts Misaki sent and snorts—is that girl even trying to be subtle?

Well, it’s not Misaki’s fault that she doesn’t know that Eiji has a secret beloved from America he won’t tell anyone about. Nahoko is pretty sure that that’s why he’s always so sad and always texting them. Long distance must be hard. Fucking Ash should come to Japan soon, to make it easier on Eiji.

But that’s not the point. She shakes her head quickly as if that’ll force the curiosity about Fucking Ash out, closes the group chat, and goes to search up _American Christmas Traditions._

She’s digging around in the kitchen cabinets, later, trying to see if Eiji has everything they’ll need to make cookies, when—

“Nahoko?”

_“Aagh!”_

Nahoko starts in surprise and slams her head into the shelf above it in her haste to whirl around. Eiji’s standing in the entryway to the kitchen, his eyes wide and one hand over his mouth in startlement.

“Owww,” she complains, rubbing her head. “Nii-san, that was mean…”

Eiji laughs softly and pads across the tile floor to place a sympathetic hand on her head too. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You bully,” Nahoko whines, dropping her head to his shoulder. He’s still warm from his blankets, and his hair is mussed from sleep—he must have just woken up. “If you wanted me dead, you could have just said so.”

“Nahoko!” Eiji sounds horrified as he pulls her into a real, actual hug. “Of course I don’t want you dead! Please do not say things like that!”

Oops. Sometimes, she wishes she could put a filter on her mouth. Eiji came home with a gunshot wound in his side. Of course he doesn’t want…

“Sorry, Nii-san,” she says sheepishly, hugging him back. “I didn’t think.”

“I noticed,” Eiji sighs. He pulls back and pats her head one more time, then shuffles around her to open his tea cabinet and squint. “I want some jasmine tea. Do you want a cup?”

“You are just like Kaa-san,” Nahoko groans. “Sure, I’ll have some. By the way, where do you keep the chocolate chips?”

Eiji pauses in the act of getting mugs, his hand halfway to the cabinet door. “…Why would I have chocolate chips?”

Nahoko throws up her hands. “So we could make cookies! Why would—ugh, of _course_ I couldn’t find them. You don’t have any. What kind of chef do you call yourself?”

Eiji frowns. “Cookies?”

“Yes, cookies!” Nahoko puts her hands on her hips. Seriously, this boy! “I looked up American Christmas traditions. There was a lot of stuff I didn’t get, like… nativity plays, some Midnight Mass thing, and… stockings? But they said that it’s also traditional to make cookies with milk and trade that with some guy for presents!”

Eiji blinks.

Blinks again.

And then, of all things, he begins to _laugh._ Nahoko gapes indignantly as he tips his head back and laughs at her, clasping one hand to his chest and leaning against the counter.

“Hey!”

“You—” and Eiji breaks off into laughter again, shaking his head. “Nahoko, it’s not—trade with _some guy—_ ”

Nahoko stamps her foot. “Whatever! They make cookies for Christmas, right?”

“Technically, the cookies are for Christmas Eve,” Eiji manages, though he looks like he still wants to laugh. “And ‘some guy’ comes over in the night while you sleep, and he puts the presents under the Christmas tree.”

Nahoko narrows her eyes. That’s ridiculous. “You’re lying. That’s stupid.”

“I’m not!” Eiji defends, laughing again, as if there’s something that funny about this. “It’s Santa! In America, they say you leave milk and cookies out for him, because he has to visit so many houses, it must be tiring. And he comes in through the chimney while everyone is asleep!”

“What?!” Nahoko shakes her head rapidly. “Stop making stuff up, Nii-san! That’s ridiculous! No way Americans all believe something that stupid!”

“Oh my god, I wish I was recording this,” Eiji giggles (yes, _giggles,_ really) into his hands. “You know what? Here.”

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens it, types something into a chat, and hands it to her. Nahoko stares down at it, nonplussed, as it rings.

“Here,” Eiji repeats. “These are my American friends. They should not be awake right now, but they are. Please tell them what you think of their version of Santa Claus.”

Eiji’s American friends? Nahoko perks up. This is the most she’s ever gotten out of him about America—maybe the secret was making fun of Santa Claus the entire time?

“Hello?” Someone’s voice crackles over the speaker, and Nahoko fumbles and nearly drops the phone in surprise. “Eiji?”

“Hi, Alex!” Eiji’s voice sounds kind of weird in English. He’s a little distant because he’s refilling the kettle; Nahoko shuffles over close to him, suddenly shy. Alex. He sounds nice, but aren’t the people Eiji met in New York all scary gang members?

“Hey!” Alex doesn’t sound scary, but what does she know… “And… Okay, don’t laugh at me, but I only ever saw your sister’s name written down, and I don’t wanna say it wrong, so—”

“It’s _Nahoko,”_ Nahoko exclaims, back to one hand on her hip. “It is said like it is written in English! Why is that hard?”

Immediately she shrinks back again, face heating, but Eiji laughs. “Yes! It is not hard, Alex!”

“Yeah, you’re both definitely related,” Alex sighs. “Okay. Nahoko.”

He puts too much stress on the _-ko_ at the end of her name, but overall she supposes it’s a passable attempt. “You have a very American voice.”

“Thanks…?”

There’s a rustling noise from Alex’s end, and then suddenly a new voice joins in. “Eiji? Whoaaa, Eiji! When are you coming back to visit, I miss yoouuuu!”

Someone who misses Eiji? Maybe this is Ash. Nahoko’s eyes flick to Eiji.

“Bones,” Eiji laughs, though there’s something distant in his eyes. “We spoke just a few hours ago! I do not know when I can come back. Won’t you come here?”

Bones?

So that’s not Ash, either. Huh.

“Aww, but Eiji, who’s got that kind of money? Plane tickets are _expensive!”_

“So you just wanna make Eiji spend all his money?” Nahoko demands. “He’s supposed to spend it on buying me Christmas cake!”

“What?” Eiji rounds on her. “You had cake yesterday! With your friends!”

“Yes, and you are a sad little gremlin man who spent all of yest—”

Eiji elbows her with a warning look, suddenly dead serious, and shakes his head at the phone. Nahoko blinks. Why can’t she say he’s been moping?

“Gremlin? Holy shit, y’all are _definitely_ related!” Alex whistles. Bones hoots.

“Unfortunately,” Eiji says primly.

Nahoko steps on his foot.

Something changes in Alex’s voice. “Y’know… I bet seeing you getting to be with your family again, Ash would—”

“Don’t,” Eiji interrupts, a hint of desperation in his voice. “I… please. I can’t… please don’t.”

“Oh, Eiji…”

“Who is Ash?” Nahoko asks.

Dead silence answers.

“No one,” Eiji finally says, very stiff. Same answer, again. Nahoko gives him a dark look, but he doesn’t see it, looking right through her. “Please. Drop it.”

“Sorry, Eiji.” Alex sighs. “We’ve all been thinking of… well, you said drop it. My bad.”

“It is fine.” Eiji lifts his head with that fake-cheery smile pasted on again, the one Nahoko wants to smack right off his face. “So! I called because Nahoko has some very interesting opinions about Santa, and…”

Eiji and his friends _all_ laugh at her when she repeats herself. It’s very rude of them.

But the question lingers at the back of her mind, even as they all have their great cackle. Who is Ash?

* * *

They end up making sugar cookies. Eiji doesn’t have any cookie cutters, either, so Nahoko does her best to cut the dough into fun shapes—a snowman, a star, and what she insists is a reindeer, like Bones mentioned, but—

“That is a diseased hydrangea!” Eiji wheezes, arms wrapped around himself as he laughs himself breathless. “Where—where are its _eyes,_ Nahoko, that isn’t—does it have _three antlers,_ oh my god I am going to cry—”

Eiji just can’t appreciate fine art. It’s a fact.

The cookies go in the oven, and Eiji looks down at himself and finally seems to realize he’s still in his pajamas. He wrinkles his nose.

“I think I am going to go take a shower,” he says, dusting the flour from his shirt. “If they finish baking while I am in there, the oven mitts are in the second drawer, by the window, okay?”

Nahoko, who already knows where everything in his kitchen is thanks to her futile chocolate hunt, nods and pushes him off toward the bathroom. “Yeah, yeah, go get clean, stinky.”

Eiji gives her an offended look over his shoulder. “ _You_ are stinky.”

He slips back into his bedroom to get clothes, and Nahoko plops down on the sofa to wait for the cookies. They won’t be too long, but then they have to cool before they can eat them, and she kind of wants to eat them now…

Oh! The timer’s not on her phone, it’s on Eiji’s. She hops up to go check how long is left on it so she can set an alarm for herself, while he showers, and—

Nahoko freezes in the doorway.

Eiji is standing at his little desk, his back mostly to her, silhouetted by the window overlooking the blustery Tokyo day. He’s holding a framed photo, but she can’t see what’s in it. His shoulders are hunched and quaking, and he looks…

He looks _devastated._

“I am so sorry, Ash,” he murmurs in English, touching the glass with fingers so tender Nahoko nearly turns and leaves from feeling like she’s intruding. “I wish… I wish you could have been here, celebrating, with us. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I could not save you in the end.”

He bows his head, and as Nahoko watches, he presses his lips to the photo, very careful and gentle. He hugs the frame to his chest for a moment and lets out a deep, shaky breath, and lets his shoulders slump. Then he lowers the photo into an open drawer to his left, lingering, and finally moves to close the drawer.

Nahoko slips away, back to the couch, heart pounding.

So Ash is dead. Ash is someone her brother loved, and also Ash is very much dead.

And her brother thinks he could have saved her.

It’s enough to bring a lump to her throat, and she doesn’t even know anything about whoever Ash was. She can’t believe she made jokes about—about calling her _Fucking Ash_ in her head, even out loud to Eiji—how horrible that must have been for him, to hear her joke about his dead love from America, and—

Nahoko has always cried easily. She knows that about herself. Still, she doesn’t expect to feel her eyes prickle so fast, thinking of the desolation in Eiji’s shoulders, the raw sorrow in his voice. Who is Ash? What happened to her? Why did—why does Eiji think he could have saved her?

Footsteps behind her jerk her out of her thoughts, and she carefully lays still, opening Twitter in a rush to pretend she’s mindlessly scrolling as Eiji walks past on his way to the bathroom. Her heart pounds in her throat, and her eyes threaten to spill over and betray her, but luckily, Eiji seems too preoccupied to notice. He walks right past her and closes the bathroom door. A moment later, the shower turns on.

Nahoko buries her face in her hands. Eiji keeps saying Ash is no one, because she’s _dead._ That weird, seemingly over-the-top “what-if” thought she had earlier was true. Ash is dead.

When she lifts her head, her eyes go back to Eiji’s door, still open. She’s more than allowed to be in there; she’s been sleeping in there for the past two nights. But she’s never bothered to look in Eiji’s desk before.

Her feet carry her to the desk before she can really think about it, and she waffles in indecision. Should she look? Eiji hasn’t shown her, and he’s always so reticent about everything from America, even though he’s been hurting.

But she’s his family, and all she wants to do is help, and she can’t if he doesn’t let her in, so—

Nahoko takes a deep breath and opens the drawer.

The photograph inside is one clearly taken with love; the light is warm, and the setting homey enough to feel intimate. The boy in it—

Wait, boy?

Oh.

_Oh._

Maybe that’s part of why Eiji has been hesitant to talk about it at home. Maybe he’s afraid of…

Of what? Kaa-san rejecting him for loving a boy? That’s silly! Kaa-san already supported him all through his transition, while Nahoko was growing up, and she knows he’s a boy! Why would she be weird about him being a boy who loves boys?

Nahoko picks the photo up and stares at the boy—at Ash. She’s known for years that Eiji likes boys, and only boys; he whispered it to her one night, when she was eleven, and made her promise never to tell anyone. But he spent so much time running and vaulting that he never dated anyone, so she thought maybe he just… wouldn’t.

But now…

Ash was _beautiful._

It’s a photo of him laughing, his hair a little messy and his eyes warm and full of mirth. He wasn’t looking directly at the camera—he must have been looking at Eiji, and something about that makes her heart lurch—and there was a full mug of either black tea or coffee next to him. He had one hand reaching out behind the camera—to Eiji, Nahoko thinks—and was leaning his cheek into the other palm.

Tears burn in her eyes again, and she puts the photo back into the drawer and closes it, sinking to the floor and scrubbing furiously at her eyes. It’s not _fair!_ Eiji found someone who looks so sweet and lovely, who looks at him with that look on his face, and then he died? After everything Eiji went through, this is what he gets?

It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all.

“Stop being dead,” she whispers to the closed drawer. “Hasn’t my brother suffered enough? Just—just come back to him already.”

She hugs herself for a moment, blows out a breath to steady herself, and clambers back to her feet. The cookies. They have a timer. She needs to check it.

Eiji left his phone on the bed, so Nahoko bites her lip to keep from tearing up again and picks it up. His PIN is 1208—what is that, a date? August 12th? That doesn’t ring any bells—which is different than it was before he left for America, but maybe he just changed it to keep people like her from snooping.

…Which…

Well, he should know better by now. She’s always gonna figure him out!

But guilt already gnaws at her for looking at the picture of Ash, so she doesn’t try to snoop, even though she could. She just opens it and navigates to the alarms he has set.

While she’s making an alarm for her phone, to match the one he’s got, a new message appears, previewed across the top of the screen, and she swears she doesn’t mean to read it, but she does.

[17:09] Alex:  
You still haven’t told anyone about him?  
Eiji… I know it’s not my place to tell you how to grieve or anything  
I’m only saying this bc I’m worried about you  
But he’d want you to move on and be happy

Move on? Be happy?

It’s been almost a year since Eiji came home again. Which means it must be almost a year since Ash died.

And Eiji is still mourning.

Nahoko stares at the cookie alarm, unseeing, as first the messages disappear from the screen, and then the screen goes black. God. Eiji not only got shot, but lost Ash—what a horrible place America must be, and yet he still wants to go back!

And he regrets not being able to save Ash. Maybe—maybe that was when he got shot! Maybe he was trying to save Ash, but he didn’t because he got shot, too, and then—

The water stops running.

Nahoko squeaks, dropping Eiji’s phone back to the bed even though checking the cookie alarm is a perfectly legitimate reason to be on it, and bolts out of the bedroom. The cookies still have two minutes and thirteen seconds; she curls up on the couch as if she’s been there the entire time and opens Twitter again.

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what happened to Ash. If he’s gone, there’s nothing anyone can do about it, as much as she wishes he would just—he would just magically be alive again, and everything would be fine, and Eiji would smile again. But it doesn’t matter now.

Alex is right, she thinks, staring mindlessly at a video of a dog in the snow. If Ash really loved Eiji, he’d want Eiji to be happy. The dog dives into a snowbank and leaves a hole in its own shape.

And maybe she can’t help with anything like bringing Ash back, or carrying the weight of Eiji’s grief, but she thinks, if there’s one thing she knows, it’s how to make Eiji forget, even if only for a little while.

She’s going to make sure he has a good Christmas this year.

And then the hairdryer stops, too, and the bathroom door opens, and Eiji walks out with fluffy hair and a sweater and jeans, and Nahoko blinks.

“Why are you—”

_Bzz-bzz! Bzz-bzz!_

Her phone goes off, and she jumps. “Oh! The cookies! Right!”

“Wow.” Eiji smiles to himself. “What good timing I have today.”

He walks to the kitchen and pulls the oven mitts on while Nahoko is still floundering, trying to pull herself together, and easily pulls the cookies out of the oven, setting the tray on top of the stove to cool. The apartment smells heavenly.

“See?” Eiji gestures at them. “Look, they came out good, right?”

He looks away for a second, and Nahoko can almost picture the outline of another man standing in the kitchen with him, looking down at the cookies and smiling like he did in the photo. But Eiji looks back at her, and the moment passes as quickly as it came.

“They look good,” she agrees. “Do you want to decorate them?”

Eiji blinks. “Oh. I was planning to just eat them,” he admits, wrinkling his nose. It’s so quintessentially _Eiji_ that Nahoko can’t help but laugh.

“So much for Santa,” she says, leaning over to peer at the cookies. Did Ash like sugar cookies? Does this make Eiji think of him? “Do you think I can eat them yet?”

“No!” Eiji bats her questing hand away. “They _just_ came out of the oven, they are too hot! Nahoko!”

His shower seems to have improved his mood a lot; Nahoko is grateful. If he’d still been all quiet and sad, she doesn’t know what she would’ve done. Yelling at him to talk about his feelings probably wouldn’t have helped, but she has a feeling she might’ve tried it anyway.

Eiji forces her to wait until the cookies are a “reasonable” temperature that “won’t burn your hands or your mouth, Nahoko” before she takes one of his two plates and piles them high. They really, _really_ smell good, and after standing around smelling them for so long, she can’t be blamed for inhaling three immediately.

“Wait, not that one,” Eiji says, pushing her hand away as she reaches for a fourth, and she huffs.

“Why not that one?”

“It’s mine!” Eiji nabs it, holds it in his palm, and takes a photo on his phone. “This is my bloated hydrangea cookie, and I want to eat it!”

“Hey!” Nahoko snatches it. “That’s my _reindeer_ cookie, and if you can’t show it any respect, you don’t get to eat it!”

Eiji snatches it back, declares “Have some respect for horticulture, you uncultured baby,” and bites the reindeer’s face off.

Asshole.

As annoying as he is, though, Nahoko can’t find it in herself to really be irritated. It’s just such a relief to see him acting like himself for once, instead of being melancholy and distant. This is an Eiji she knows how to handle, and the ground she stands on feels markedly less shaky.

Eiji texts the photo to someone—his American friends, she guesses—and smiles down at his phone as he eats, and Nahoko stares at him. Did he reply to Alex? Should she tell him she saw Ash’s photo?

“I know I have not been the easiest to deal with lately,” Eiji murmurs, as if he’s read her mind, and she stiffens. “Thank you for spending the day with me, Nahoko. I do feel better than I did this morning.”

“That’s good.” Nahoko rubs her thumb over the hem of her sleeve, a little nervous. “It’s, um… fine. Take your time, Nii-san.”

“There is a lot I am just not ready to talk about.” Eiji stuffs the rest of the reindeer into his mouth, chews, and swallows. “But I appreciate that you decided to spend today trying to cheer me up anyway.”

Nahoko huffs, cheeks going pink. “It’s nothing, Nii-san, don’t make this weird and sappy…”

Eiji chuckles at that, puts his phone down, and leans over to ruffle her hair. “Okay. Done with your cookies?”

“Mm, for now.” Nahoko blinks, watching him stand up and roll his shoulders. “Might come back for the rest later. Where are you going?”

Eiji doesn’t answer, just heads into his bedroom, and for a moment she’s paralyzed by the fear that he’ll somehow know she opened the drawer with Ash in it, but he doesn’t say a word. And then he’s back, holding her white coat in one hand and his own green one over the other arm. He tosses hers at her and starts pulling his on.

“Put that on, and get your shoes.” He puts his phone into his pocket, looking around for his wallet. “We can still go now and have enough time to see most of it.”

“Go where?” Nahoko asks, nonplussed, but pulling the coat on anyway. “Most of what?”

Eiji gives her a tiny lopsided grin that’s so much like the smile he always wore when she was little that her heart stops pounding.

“Well… it’s my fault you missed the market with your friends,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “So I figure the least I can do to make it up to you is take you myself. If you’re not too cool to be seen hanging out with your big brother in public, that is?”

Nahoko jumps to her feet so fast she slams her hands into the table and makes the silverware all jump. “Really?! We can go to the Christmas Market?! I wanna go, yeah! Let’s go, let’s go!”

Eiji laughs, his eyes warm. “Okay! Let me grab my keys, and we can head out.”

Nahoko watches him cross the room to pick his keys out of the pocket of another jacket. For a moment she imagines Ash, laughing like in the photo, joining them too, and wonders—what would Ash have said? Would he tease Eiji for leaving his keys in his own jacket instead of hanging them on the hook by the door? Would he be sweet and helpful and go get them for him? Would he still look at him just like he did then?

And then the moment is over, and she shakes her head, following Eiji to the door and pulling her boots on. The Christmas Market won’t be open forever, and she’s got some shopping to do.

When they reach Shiba Park, the sky is dark and the air is nippy; Nahoko draws her coat around herself and wiggles in glee as they exit the subway station. Bathed in the neon city glow, the Christmas market’s lights look incredible, and she’s so excited she almost forgets Eiji was so sad earlier.

Almost.

When she looks over, Eiji is smiling softly, hands tucked into his pockets as he strolls along behind her. Suddenly she feels like she’s eight again, and he’s fifteen, her cool big brother guiding her through the street festival back home in Izumo when their dad was too ill and their mom at work late into the night.

A tiny, gnawing discomfort settles into her stomach. Eiji really did have to pick up a lot of the slack from their parents… he’s always been her first confidant, all her life, before even Kaa-san. But then he disappeared to America for two years, and he came back so, so different.

He was always the first person she turned to, but she was never his confidant, she realizes. He’s always held himself apart, trying to be strong for her as Tou-san wasted away and Kaa-san took up more and more hours at work. Every time something happened to him, he would withdraw. She always thought that was just how he was, but now she wonders.

Did Ash comfort him? Did Ash do this regularly, spending time with him to make sure he remembered how to smile? Was Ash the kind of person who let her brother forget the weight of the world on his shoulders while they were together?

Is that why Eiji loved him so much?

“Come this way,” Eiji says, tipping his head toward the first row of stalls. Music plays from somewhere in the crowd, and the lights above the booths glisten beckoningly. She’s going to get tacky souvenirs and cute presents, and also that German… glue wine or whatever it’s called. (Well, more accurately, she’ll badger Eiji to get some, and then she’ll try it from his cup.)

“Wait up!” Nahoko hurries after him before the crowd can get between them, grabbing his arm and tucking her hand into the crook of his elbow. “You walk too fast!”

Eiji laughs quietly. “Okay, sorry. You lead. Where do you want to start first?”

Nahoko peers around at the stalls, but there are enough people milling around that she can’t really see the contents of any of them over all the tall shoulders in her way, so after a few seconds of indecision she points at a random one and declares, “There!”, and drags Eiji forward.

They meander for what feels like only a few minutes but turns out to be hours, when Eiji pauses to answer whoever is calling his phone, and it turns out that it’s their mother, who is frantic because Nahoko hasn’t answered the last six calls she made.

Whoops.

“It was in my purse, Kaa-san!” she protests, whining. Someone bumps into her from behind, and she loses her balance, planting her face rather inelegantly into Eiji’s shoulder, and she squawks. Eiji snickers, and she elbows him, hard. “We’re _out!_ I’ll call later!”

“I thought you would be with your friends!” Kaa-san frowns. “What happened? Where are they? Are you alright? Did something happen—”

“Oh my _god_ , Kaa-san,” Nahoko groans. “Eiji wasn’t feeling good, so I stayed with him in the afternoon, and he feels better now so we decided to go out together. It’s _fiiiiine._ ”

“Not feeling good?” Kaa-san’s frown deepens on the screen. “What happened, Eiji?”

“Nothing, Kaa-san,” Eiji says demurely, smiling the tiny distant smile again. “I just felt a little under the weather in the morning. I slept badly, so I just had a headache. But I’m fine now!”

“Are you sure you aren’t getting sick?” Kaa-san frowns. “You should go to the doctor, if you need. Nahoko, make sure he has medicine in his apartment. And—”

Eiji sighs, almost inaudible among the crowd. “Kaa-san, please…”

“Don’t _Kaa-san, please_ me,” Kaa-san chides. “You go days, weeks, without calling home, only texting good morning and good night, and then Nahoko says you aren’t feeling well, what am I supposed to think? You need to take care of yourself, especially in winter! If you want to live away from home—”

Eiji stiffens slightly, next to her, and Nahoko gives their mother a wide-eyed look that’s supposed to say _stop, stop it,_ but apparently doesn’t get the message across, because Kaa-san keeps going on about Eiji needing to be responsible and how she doesn’t know if he’s ready to be away from home again, and she can see the way the remnants of his smile disappear into a hard, thin line.

Ugh. Parents. They just never get it. “Can’t hear you, bad signal, sorry! Oh no! The call is dropping!” Nahoko sings, shoving into Eiji’s chest to make the screen blur. “Oh no so sad the signal is bad! Bye Kaa-san, love you, text you later!”

She stabs a finger at the screen while Eiji yelps and windmills for a second, trying to keep them both upright, and then she manages to end the call and he catches his balance, and they both stare at each other for a second.

And then Eiji laughs.

Nahoko blinks in surprise, and giggles too at the look on Eiji’s face, as if he didn’t expect laughter to bubble up spontaneously in his chest like that. He’s ridiculous.

“She’s going to be so mad,” he says, and grins the classic Nii-san grin she grew up with. “I can’t believe you did that.”

Nahoko shrugs breezily and focuses on the next stall over. “Oh well! Come on, I wanna check out those tiny polar bears. Aren’t they cute?”

She’s so busy peering at the little plush bears decorated with red hats and green ribbons that she doesn’t notice Eiji snapping a photo of her until she’s waving one of the bears at him to wail about how _cute_ it is (it’s got the biggest nose and she might want to cry about it a little bit). Then she stops and stares at him.

“Hey!”

“What?” Eiji looks at the screen, then pockets his phone. “It made a nice shot. Even if it did have you in it, of all people.”

“You suck,” Nahoko tells him, and sticks her tongue out.

They wander until Nahoko whines that her feet hurt, and then they find a bench and sit. The lights are magical, and the music fills the air; Nahoko leans her head against her big brother’s shoulder and sighs happily, watching people mill about through the rows of stalls. This is _awesome._

Eiji leans his cheek against her hair wordlessly, and Nahoko hums. It’s nice. This is nice.

“I missed you, you big jerk,” she mumbles. Eiji is still and quiet, and for a moment she thinks maybe he didn’t hear her, but then he sighs.

“I’m sorry I’ve been… distant,” he says, looking away. “I… it has just been hard.”

Nahoko lifts her head too, looking up at him, but he doesn’t meet her gaze. “What _happened_ over there, Nii-san?”

Eiji shakes his head. “Not something good to talk about on Christmas.”

Nahoko falters. “There… was _nothing_ good? Not even a little bit?”

Eiji hesitates.

“There was someone good,” he says quietly. “There were good people. Good people who were going through very bad things.”

Guilt churns in Nahoko’s stomach, and she hangs her head, looking down at her boots. “Nii-san… I have a confession.”

Eiji looks at her, finally, clearly bewildered. “What? Are you okay?”

“Yes!” Nahoko bites her lip. “I just… I looked in your desk drawer, and… I saw that photo.”

Next to her, Eiji goes very, very still.

“Is that—that’s Ash, right?” she asks timidly. “The one you talked about on the phone?”

“Nahoko—” Eiji starts, but Nahoko grabs his arm.

“I’m sorry I made jokes about him earlier! I… just don’t know anything about—you never told us _anything,_ Nii-san! Kaa-san worries about you so much that she told _me_ to take care of you. I don’t know how to do that! But you don’t tell anyone what’s going on, so all we can do is find things out on accident. I’m sorry! But I want to know, please, at least _something.”_

Eiji looks away. “I… don’t mean to make you worry,” he says very softly, so quiet she has to strain to hear him over the music and the bustle of the crowd. “It’s just… hard.”

Nahoko holds his arm tighter. “Isn’t it easier if you share the burden? You’ve been taking care of me my whole life, can’t I at least help you a little bit?”

Eiji looks down at the ground. “It was Ash,” he finally says, and oh, god, there’s something horribly sad in his voice, a tremor she never wants to hear again, even though he’s smiling. “Ash was… Ash was the very best thing that happened to me.”

“What happened to him?” Nahoko asks, voice hushed.

But Eiji shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

“Oh.” Nahoko bites her lip, uncertain. “…Sorry.”

“He’s gone.” Eiji shakes his head again. “I don’t… I don’t want to think about… he’s gone, I lost him. I can’t… not right now.”

“That’s okay, Nii-san,” Nahoko tries, patting his shoulder. “I’m sorry. You loved him a lot, huh?”

Eiji nods, his smile the saddest thing she’s ever seen. His eyes shine too-brightly in the multitude of lights, and she feels tears prickle at her eyes too, in response. “More than anything,” he murmurs. “Oh, god, more than anything.”

 _More than_ me? part of her wants to ask, but she stops herself. That’s a stupid question. She can’t ask Eiji to rank the people he loves like that, that’s a dick move that only stupid boys do whenever girls with terrible taste like Misaki say they like them.

But there’s a burning curiosity in her, and she won’t lie, a bit of resentment. Who was this Ash, who her brother loved so much that he weeps for him even a year later? Someone who took Eiji’s heart, and she never even met him. She never even knew he existed.

“What was he like?” she asks, looking up at Eiji. “Was he funny? Definitely cute. I didn’t know you like blondes, though, Nii-san. Ooh, was he tall, too? Tall men are a plus.”

That startles another tiny, watery laugh out of Eiji, and he shakes his head. “You are incorrigible,” he says, wiping at his eyes once. “He was tall, yeah. He made fun of me for being shorter than him. He was so annoying, he complained that Japanese food is all stinky when I’d cook for him, but he’d eat it all anyway. He loved to read. He would go to the library, and…”

Here he sobers for a moment, the light in his eyes fading, and Nahoko squeezes his arm through the puffy sleeve of his jacket to try and encourage him. “So tall, annoying, and smart?”

Eiji smiles. “Yeah. I think you would have liked him. He liked to be an obnoxious brat, too.”

“Too?!”

Eiji quirks a tiny grin at her and nods. “You know all about being a brat, right?”

Nahoko smacks his shoulder. “You suck! Stop insulting me. Tell me more about Ash.”

“More about Ash,” Eiji muses. “Where do I start…? He… he was annoying, and a brat, and stupidly tall, but he was the sweetest person I have ever met.” The sad smile is back, as Eiji looks up into the dark sky. Only the brightest stars are visible, and even they are faint against the city lights. “He cared so deeply about everyone he knew. And he was so selfless.”

“Selfless?” Nahoko asks. “What’d he do?”

Eiji laughs. “He saved my life,” he says, and shakes his head. “Many times, but… I will never forget how he looked at me when he found me again, after…”

He doesn’t elaborate after _what,_ and Nahoko has a feeling that it’s one of the things he’ll clam up about if she presses, so she lets him. Instead, she asks, “Did he love you?”

Eiji nods. “Very much. He was constantly trying to get me to leave and go back to Japan.”

Nahoko wrinkles her nose. “That doesn’t sound very nice of him.”

Eiji laughs a short, humorless _hah,_ shaking his head again. “He wanted to keep me safe. He thought that being with him put me in danger, and he said I would be safer if I left him behind. I told him no so many times he gave up on it, by the end.”

This is more about America than she’s ever gotten out of Eiji, in his entire year back, and it’s been one conversation. Nahoko can’t help but wonder how much he’s been holding back, just waiting for someone to let the dam burst. She imagines him back in his dreary apartment, with the sparse furniture and meager dishes, sitting alone and thinking of Ash, and sorrow slams her in the chest.

Has he been crying out for help this whole time? Were they just too focused on their own worry to hear him?

“I’m glad,” she says, clumsy, as the words trip over her tongue. “He sounds… good. I am glad he loved you.”

Eiji looks off into the distance, wipes his eyes again, and breathes out slowly. “Yeah. I miss him.”

“I’m sorry,” Nahoko says, contrite and sincere, because she doesn’t know what the fuck else she can possibly say. “He… would want you to be happy, though, wouldn’t he?”

Eiji looks pained. “Yes, but…”

Nahoko waits.

Eiji sighs, shoulders slumping. “I don’t really want to go into everything right now. Sorry. I think… I just… can we drop this for now?”

“Yeah,” Nahoko agrees, hugging his arm again. “Thank you for telling me, Nii-san.”

She thinks about the photo again. The smile on Ash’s face as he looked to Eiji—why did she even need to ask if he loved him? If anyone has ever loved someone, it’s Ash, looking at her brother like he hung the very sun itself in the sky, like he’s the sole reason for the dawn every day.

Tall, obnoxious, sweet, smart, selfless, loving. She looks up at the stars, too, finds the brightest pinprick she can, and thinks at it as hard as she can, _Ash, if you’re out there… my brother loves you, so, so much. I hope you knew. I hope… I hope he made you happy, like you made him happy. He wouldn’t be so sad now if you didn’t make him very happy. I hope you knew that._

“Thank you for listening,” Eiji murmurs, several seconds later, and sighs.

He tips his head back, following her gaze to the stars, and for a long moment they sit together and just look up into the night sky. The Christmas music and the babbling of the crowd fade into the background, and it’s just Nahoko and her big brother.

Eiji looks back down at her, then, with a tiny, almost rueful smile. “You really have grown up, haven’t you?”

Nahoko squirms. “Don’t make it weird…”

“You did,” Eiji teases, his smile mellowing. “You’re getting old. You went and grew up on me, and I missed it.”

Nahoko rolls her eyes. They’re back on safe ground again, after the careful walk onto the ice over Ash, and she feels relief settle into her bones. “You did not, I’m still a baby. I get discounts on movie tickets. You’re old, not me. Nii-san, you’re the financially responsible one. Why haven’t you gotten me dinner yet?”

Eiji blinks. “You’re hungry? You should’ve said so.”

“I didn’t notice until now,” she admits.

Eiji stands up and peers around, looking for the food stalls, and waits for her to get up and follow him. She grabs his hand so they don’t get separated in the crowd, and they end up standing in line for some of the traditional German foods.

“What exactly _is_ schnitzel?” Nahoko asks, wrinkling her nose.

Eiji looks doubtful. “Chicken?” he says. “I think?”

“Huh.” Nahoko looks around some more, and then her eyes alight on a specific booth and she has to swallow a gasp. “Well, get me some, I’m hungry. I’m also bored of standing in line, so I’m gonna wander for a minute, okay bye—”

“Nahoko,” Eiji frowns, grabbing her wrist. “Where are you going?”

“Not far!” Nahoko promises. “I just wanna look at the stalls over there,” and she points across the little thoroughfare. “You can still see me.”

Eiji sighs. “Alright,” he says, “but actually keep an eye on your phone this time. If I lose you in the crowd and your food all gets cold, that’s your fault.”

Nahoko sticks her tongue out and immediately regrets it because it’s cold and that feels icky. “Okay, Kaa-san!”

Eiji swats her on the head and sends her off, and she grins. Mission _accomplished._

The tea stall is manned by a lady with a bright, warm demeanor and rosy cheeks; she greets Nahoko with a beaming smile and offers to let her sniff any of the blends she has available. Nahoko stares at all the tins and purses her lips.

“Full disclosure,” she says, “my brother is the tea person, not me, and I’m just trying to surprise him. Got any recommendations?”

The shopkeeper laughs merrily. “Yes! We have some special holiday blends over here that might make his day. And I’ve got a discount if you mix-and-match a set of blends! You can pick any three for the price of two!”

“Oh boy,” Nahoko says, eyes widening as she looks at the array of canisters. “Nose, get to work.”

She ends up stuffing three bags of looseleaf tea into her purse—a festive peppermint chocolate one, a cozy “holiday spice” blend (whatever that means, but it smelled good), and a fun, fruity pomegranate green tea. Her purse bulges as she thanks the shopkeeper and pushes her way through the crowd back toward the schnitzel stand; hopefully, Eiji won’t notice.

“Good timing,” Eiji says, approving, as she appears at his elbow again, just as he’s collecting their food from the truck window. “Here, I got some glühwein. You get the non-alcoholic one, though,” and he passes her a warm mug.

“Can I try yours?” Nahoko asks eagerly, peering at his. Bits of fruit float in both of their cups, and the scent wafting up is delightful.

“One sip,” Eiji says, and gathers their schnitzel up in his other hand. “Let’s find somewhere to sit and eat.”

The glühwein in Eiji’s cup, it turns out, tastes _disgusting._ Nahoko takes her one sip and makes such a face that Eiji bursts into laughter immediately, and she scrunches up her entire face.

“That’s so _gross!”_ she groans, grabbing a fork and sticking it into the schnitzel. It’s a plastic fork, and the schnitzel isn’t really meant for that, and she’s doing a bad job (but it’s better than if she were to try it with chopsticks, she guesses). “Ugh, Nii-san, how do you _drink_ that?”

“You get the magic alcohol taste buds when you reach legal drinking age,” Eiji deadpans, taking a slow sip.

“Fuck you,” Nahoko mutters.

Eiji lightly kicks her under the table.

Nahoko falls asleep on his shoulder on the train home, worn out from a big day; she only realizes she fell asleep when he gently nudges her awake and murmurs, “This is our stop,” and she groans.

As they walk back to his apartment from the station, she tries to rub sleep from her eyes. “Mmm… what time’s it?”

“Late,” Eiji says, uselessly, because he is useless. Nahoko grumbles wordlessly at him as he puts his key in the lock. “You have an early train to catch tomorrow. Get some sleep, okay?”

She hugs him goodnight once they’re inside, something she doesn’t normally do, and hasn’t since she was little. But she’s _missed_ him, she’s come to realize, and when he hugs her back, she sighs and closes her eyes, content.

“Are you falling asleep on me?” Eiji asks, a smile in his voice. “Go to bed, silly.”

In the morning, everything is a blur—Misaki, Ichiko, Sayo, and Miyuki show up at Eiji’s door, and Sayo and Misaki hang off Eiji’s every word as he putters around in the kitchen to make them tea and breakfast before sending them all off. Nahoko watches Misaki ask with wide eyes if he’s feeling better today and if he needs anything, and has to laugh.

She laughs more when she realizes Eiji made an early-morning Daiso run to get more plates and mugs just to feed them all. He’s _ridiculous._

And then she hugs him goodbye at the station, squeezing him breathlessly tight, and he pats her head like he always does, and then she’s on the train, watching Tokyo recede into the distance. She wonders when he’ll find the tea packets she hid in his kitchen, behind the cookie box.

“How was it?” Kaa-san asks when she gets home, dumping her suitcase on the floor. “Did you have fun?”

“Yes!” Nahoko flops onto the couch. “I’m so tired. But we took a lot of photos! It was really fun! That was the best winter trip ever, I can’t wait til next year! Look, Kaa-san, I got this really cute scarf,” and she crawls off the couch to the floor to unzip her suitcase.

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” Kaa-san says warmly, coming over to sit on the couch expectantly and wait. “How is Eiji doing? Is he okay?”

Eiji… is probably being sad, she has to admit. He’s alone in his sad apartment again. But Kaa-san doesn’t want to hear that, and she doesn’t think Eiji wants her to tell her, either.

She unzips the suitcase and flips the top open with a flourish, and—

Blinks.

A little squished from the hours spent on the train crammed into her suitcase, but still unmistakably adorable, is the stuffed polar bear with the big nose from yesterday. Nahoko gasps, picking it up very gently—it’s very soft, and the eyes are a little uneven. It’s _perfect._

Laughter bubbles up in her throat, and then she flops back onto the floor, hugging her stupid big-nosed bear to her chest. When did Eiji even get it? She was right next to him the entire time!

“What’s this?” Kaa-san asks, wry but confused.

Nahoko holds up the bear, grinning at its silly lopsided face and its big gold-and-green ribbon, tied in a bow under its chin. Fondness squeezes her heart, and she giggles. Maybe Eiji is less consumed by being sad than she thought. How did he… And she never noticed!

“Nahoko?” Kaa-san prods.

Nahoko looks up brightly. “Don’t worry, Kaa-san,” she says, and pokes the bear on the nose. “Nii-san is going to be just _fine_.”

**Author's Note:**

> HI HELLO im posting from an AIRPORT under EXTREME STRESS i wrote the last 4k of this on the plane previously and im about to board the next one WAHOO LETS GO 
> 
> im planning a sequel with crimmis but With 100% More Ash Lynx but hgrjhgjhbjhjd airport ok bye bye


End file.
